Little Red Ridin' Hood

(I took a writing class many years ago from Dee Pace. Once of the assignments was to take a classic fairy tale and make it contemporary. You can tell from this piece when I wrote this. It's not meant to be a political statement, I just have a warped sense of humour....and it just sort of flowed. It's been awhile, so hopefully all the innuendoes are still recognizable.  Enjoy!)

Once upon a time in the land of freedom and opportunity, a mother prepared her daughter who had reached the age of assent, to go out into the cruel world of harsh reality.  For mother knew there to be many who were powerful, whom she likened to wolves because they would prey under the guise of goodness upon the innocent.  With these admonishments, mother sent daughter into the world, dressed in a patriotic, nautical dress.  Adding the perfect touch, she topped the dress with a smart beret perched slightly to the left upon her daughter's head; enhancing thick dark locks, while displaying big blues eyes, robust cheeks and a toothy grin.  Mother sent along a basket of goodies to be shared only with those possessing grandmother's teachings–that of being worthy.  With a basket overflowing in wisdom, charm and self,  daughter left mother's home listening to one last caution, "Do not go down the avenue named after the train state, and do not go near that big white house. . .because there lurks the power that consumes."

The young lady enjoyed her freedom and found a few worthy of the gifts she carried in her basket.  Little by little, she began to share her gifts, using her grandmother's teaching.  Surely her mother was mistaken; she had yet to find power--a wolf disguised in promises with disturbing consequences of broken vows.  With this assurance, the young lady found herself upon the doorstep of that big white house.  Giving in to temptation, she knocked.

A very large, giant of a man opened the door.  His smile quite large, with eyes quite leering, he clapped his hands in glee.  "Oh, my, young lady, have you come to my aid?"  Remembering her mother's warning, she feared this man might very well be that wolf disguised in powerful clothing. 

Smiling again, he asked, "And what is your name?"

"Lou Ann, sir," 

"And your last name?"  He rubbed his hands together and smacked his lips, while watching her intently through hooded eyes.

"Ski," Lou Ann softly answered.

"What a nice moniker, Lou Ann Ski."  The man couldn't hinder the shining gleam of lust radiating from his eyes.  "Please come in and let me look through that quite attractive basket you are carrying so closely to your chest."

"Oh, sir, there is no way I could come in.  I am not supposed to be here.”  Lou Ann clutched her basket closer and turned to leave.

“Ms. Lou Ann Ski.”  The man grinned.  “Oh, I love that name.  Do you mind if I use it all together?  It seems to roll so fluently over my tongue and out of my mouth.  Please, my dear. Come in my office, its oval, you know . . . and we shall discuss this fear you have of power.”

Not able to dissuade this man and so sure she could change his evil ways, she marched behind him--straight into his office.

While he talked, she couldn’t help but notice certain things.  Stopping in midstream, he asked her if, perhaps, she had a problem?

“Oh, no sir.  I just noticed what big eyes you have.”

“Oh, my dear Ms. Lou Ann Ski, all the better to see you--”

“And what big teeth you have--”

“All the better to--”

As he attempted to finish the sentence and grab her by the shoulders, a much harried, angry lady burst forth into the room.  Her flushed face clashed angrily with her dress.  Too bad, because she looked so pretty in pink.

“Stop this now, I say!”  The lady seemed wicked as a witch.

“Who are you, ma’am?”  Lou Ann asked.

“I am from the west wing.”  The lady answered testily.

“How did you know I was here?”  Lou Ann asked in her innocence.

“You won’t believe this, but I was led here by a star, but not from the East . . . I think from Texas.  I am trying to stop the injustice of power over innocence before this goes too far.”

The man moved to say something, perhaps in apology, to the witch.  She stopped him cold with a withering look and a condescending, “Zip it, I don’t want anything out of you.”

Amazingly, this seemingly powerful giant stepped back, and Ms. Lou Ann Ski realized who truly held the power within the big white house on the street named after the state with trains.  Leaving as quickly as she could, she thanked her lucky star--the one from Texas--for saving her from more embarrassment for not seeing sooner, the wolf dressed in powerful clothing.