Who Needs A Tan?

A Dollar’s Worth

By Alisa Dollar

A conversation at my desk centered on tanning. One thought the safest tan was bottled. I wanted to scream “Noooooooooooooo!”

My fear of bottled tans comes from when my dear friend Kathryn told me; no promised me I could appear tan without blistering, peeling, and without damage to the skin.

I tried to tell her I’d tried this once and the palms of my hands were the same as the tops and this “tan” took forever to disappear no matter how many times I scrubbed.

“No, Alisa, this is the best (she named some brand)” she spoke in earnest with an all-knowing look of authority.  “And look at me--I’m fair skinned and it works on me.”

I was visiting before going to Dallas to a writer’s conference and I wanted my feet and legs to look tanned so I wouldn’t have to wear hose. I’ve since gotten over wearing hose. I simply don’t care. Back then, I thought I had to look better than I did, and feel good about what wasn’t real.

Make sense? It made perfect sense to me then.

Long story short, I let her talk me into the tanning of the feet and legs.

I don’t remember the brand name, which is good because I’d want to file a truth in advertising suit. There should be a disclaimer that reads:  “Alisa Dollar should not use this product because she is super pale, with no pigment and will turn orange no matter what Kathryn says. All others use as directed.”

We were perched in the middle of the Graham’s king size bed watching Law and Order reruns, drinking diet coke, laughing and talking while waiting for it to dry. It became apparent this wonderful product wasn’t going to work on my legs, skinny ankles and feet.

I screamed, “My legs look like Cheetos, Kathryn!”

I’d forgotten her basset, Agatha’s favorite snack is Cheetos and before our eyes, she did an Evil Knieval jump onto the bed and plopped down on my legs and licked. The disappointment was evident when she realized it was only a fake failed tan. 

The moral is to not ruin skin with a real or fake tan. Natural is a-okay. Everybody can’t be a golden tan, so give it up!

Most importantly; don’t listen to Kathryn; even when she’s extremely convincing.

She means well though.  Really.